Momma Sue: I’m going to bed in a minute. I wanna see Kelly Clarkston.

Me: Clarkson.

Momma Sue: What?

Me. Clark. Son.

Momma Sue: There’s no T?

Me: No.

Momma Sue: Well, damn. All these years.

Me: I would like for you to pay my cell phone bill for my birthday, please.

Poppa Greg: When is it due?

Me: Uh, yesterday?　

Momma Sue: Do you want some of this cake?!

Me: No, I’ll have some later.

Momma Sue: But…I might eat it all.

Me: Gift certificates to the hospital.

And they all laugh…

I’m not kidding.

Momma Sue: You know, pets take on the personalities on their owners. That’s why your cat moseys, because you mosey.

Me: And that’s why your cat is a psycho, because you’re a psycho.

Momma Sue: Yep.

Momma Sue: Do you want to hear my Donna Summer spinning mix?

Me: Nope.

Momma Sue: Well, too bad. You’re gonna listen, damnit.

Momma Sue: We’ll just go to an earlier dinner and then go downtown.

Poppa Greg: Wait, who’s birthday is it?

Me: Mine, you dick.

Momma Sue: We’ll just go in the back door.

Me: That’s what she said.

Momma Sue: That’d be in the butt, Bob.

Momma Sue: When is your next Dr. appointment?

Me: May 1st.

Momma Sue: The first of May?! Hooray, hooray it’s the first of May! Outdoor fucking begins today!

Every. Year.

Momma Sue: What movie were you guys gonna see?

Christina: American Reunion.

Momma Sue: Smacking Reagan?!

Welcome to my life.

Momma Sue: Your jeans are looking pretty big on you. I should break your other arm so you just can’t eat.

Love you too, Mom.

I had surgery on my arm last monday. I was released Tuesday afternoon. From then until early Wednesday morning my arm was throbbing. It finally eased up around 6am and I was comfortable enough to fall asleep…

6:30am

Poppa Greg: Hey, your clothes are dry. Do you want me to bring them out here so that you can fold them?

Me (nearly sobbing): Are you serious?! I have one arm! I just fell asleep!

Poppa Greg: So…no?

finally got my brace!

it doesn’t feel sufficient. i’m feeling a little vulnerable here.

sorry i’ve been MIA. i broke the shit out of my arm, in the dumbest way. i dislocated my elbow and snapped my ulna and have been in a codeine haze since last monday.

sorry if the photo is gross. i’m currently braceless because i have no insurance.

Me: Why isn’t Sophia in this thing?

Momma Sue: They’re only allowed to make it in once.

Me: Oh, is that some “everybody’s a winner crap?”

Momma Sue: Yup.